The Evangelist’s Mountain View Point on: Marital Communication

The Challenges of Communication in Marriage

Continued

No Communication counts as bad communication

“I don’t like to argue so I just won’t say anything”. This is the sentiment of many husbands who don’t understand a woman’s need to express her self. Often his interpretation of her expressiveness is that she’s “nagging”, “fussing” or “arguing” when in actuality it may simply be that she is expressing her self passionately. When a woman’s expressiveness is misinterpreted in this way, to avoid what appears to be the brewing of conflict, her husband may emotionally “shut down”. He may close his spirit and decide that it is better not to say anything. Though it seems like evading or emotionally running away, it’s actually suppression. When this happens, all of the unexpressed feelings are pushed down and may ultimately build and accumulate within the husband until there is a breaking point. This is usually not a good situation. The truth is that not communicating at all is bad communication. There is always a message being communicated…even in silence. The bible may not necessarily address in detail how a husband should communicate to his wife but he does have a lot to say about communication in general; and what God says in general applies personally. The bible talks about confrontation in Matthew 18:15-20 and the principles are applicable to our marriages. If your spouse trespasses against you… go and tell. In other words, communicate and confront. Of course this does not mean to dismiss the use of tact and discretion but do communicate. I know what you may be saying… “But what if I communicate and she doesn’t listen??” That’s a good question. And to that I have a few replies.

1) Understand that communication is not just sending signals but receiving signals… while it’s important for her to listen, it is equally important for you to listen (as difficult as that may seem at times)

2) Communicate with God as you are attempting to communicate with her. Your communication with God can fan down the flames of frustration as you might begin to feel as if your efforts to communicate are not yielding any fruit. Frustration in a marriage can lead to the temptation to satisfy a temporary problem with a tragic solution. It’s important that if you don’t stay grounded and spiritually connected any other time that you stay connected during frustration.

3) Also keep in mind that you can’t MAKE her respond to you the way you think she should. The Lord has given her a charge to submit to you and subject herself to your leadership (Ephesians 5:21-25; 1 Peter 3:1-7). If she decides to be rebellious and recalcitrant… she will have to answer to God. You can’t force her to respond to you the way you want. You’re her husband and not her father (plus at this point in her life her father couldn’t force her either).

4) Refocus. If the frustration is building and it seems unbearable and you’ve denied suppressing your feelings by attempting to communicate; if it hasn’t been received in a way that was favorable to you…then refocus. That’s right…refocus. You have more to think about, more to focus on, more to be consumed with than your present marital situation. After you’ve communicated with her and God…get busy. Sitting idle thinking about the situation and wallowing in the frustration of the moment can give the adversary a foothold and allow him time to plant seeds of bitterness in your heart. Take a walk, wash the car, go to the gym, go to 7-11 and buy a big gulp, finish a project. Do something while the storm of ill feelings pass.

In conclusion, it’s never right not to do the right thing. You can’t expect to be understood if you don’t open up and communicate husbands. So, men and brethren, don’t suppress, learn to express. You may find that this may be what she wanted all along.

Because you both said “I do”,

J.K. Hamilton